Putting the "Mental" in Fundamentalism

So, you're a "fundy". Or maybe you know one. I think everyone should know one. Their one fundy friend. Here's a fun(dy) fact:

God hates them. Seriously. Mostly because they take the entire Bible out of context, and then condemn everyone to hell for not believing the same way. Good thing there's lots of unforgivable sins for the blood to be insufficient to forgive (<-sarcasm 49th="" and="" ask="" catholics.="" completely="" everyone="" for="" god="" homosexuals...because="" is="" just="" knows="" like="" obsessed="" of="" p="" pentecostals="" postolics="" sex.="" south="" the="" those="" with="">
Another fun(dy) fact:

I hate them. No sense of humour. If you can seriously read the entire book of Proverbs and not laugh uproariously, you're a sad sad person. An unfun one. Perhaps an un"fun"dy? I mean it. I read the safety labels on things (don't use  in the tub, don't put this over head/mouth) and giggle, chuckle, snort, belly laugh over how stupid people are. Proverbs is the same. Common sense advice for dumb people that would likely enhance the evolutionary process if products didn't have safety labels. I've yet to hear a fundy make a crack about something in Proverbs. Sad.

Last fun(dy) fact:

Everyone except fundys hate fundys (they hate each other though). This is where we get theological. Fundamentalists have extraordinarily (supernaturally???) warped and narrow beliefs based on the (invariably) English translations of the Bible. That's not to say they can't/don't have some normal views, even some liberal ones on occasion, or that they don't ever use the original languages, but in the end, they always come back to the English. I don't have a study (although I'm sure one exists) to cite that says there's an inverse proportion of knowledge of original grammar and context to level of fundamentalist belief, but there's no doubt that's exactly the case.

There was a segment on the John Ankerberg show where Dr Nathaniel Urshan or Robert Sabin (I believe it was Nathaniel Urshan, I just don't feel like rewatching the whole thing all over again) said they feel there has been enough scholarly work into the English translations (and, hence, no need to study the original language), to which Dr Walter Martin replied 'You jolly well better know your Greek!!!'. Here's a forum post I found during a random google search session:
http://forums.carm.org/vbb/showthread.php?237758-Every-Bible-in-English-translated-after-1611-is-the-work-of-Satan/page16
And there's the entire problem: when you read the English translation, you can miss subtleties and even entire contextual situations leading to a completely improper understanding of what the original writer intended.

I recently had a conversation with someone most Christians would view as a fundamentalist, and had to explain this to them. Not educating yourself about the original language and studying as many different commentaries from as many different view points as possible is foolish and irresponsible. Basing one's entire salvation on the narrowest possible understanding of a flawed translation of a book that is under much debate as to its authenticity/accuracy is insanity. Teaching others the standards you think they must uphold/adhere to is spiritually abusive and reckless: it causes people to lose faith when they discover your standard is absolutely impossible, and even more so when the people exhorting those standards are caught red-handed in atrocious crimes (all you Catholic Priests and Pentecostal and Evangelical Pastors that have been caught and either confessed or been convicted of child molestation for instance - you know who you are).

Don't take away the grace Jesus bought and replace it with the law. You go right ahead and convict yourself of the law by attempting to adhere to it (and failing miserably), while the rest of Christianity lives for God, not Moses, but stop trying to teach others they must adhere. If you truly believe the Bible, then you accept that God will write His law on the heart, not you. He doesn't need your "help". He's God. If he hasn't told someone that they are in error, just who do you think you are to correct Him?? Or perhaps you think you're better qualified to hear God's voice than the rest of His children? Back to Proverbs:
"16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall"
A related verse:
"17:19 He loveth transgression that loveth strife: and he that exalteth his gate seeketh destruction"
Basically, those that humbly accept their inadequacy and absolute need for God's redemption will find it, but those that lift themselves up in arrogance and claim that others must follow their "example" of holiness (laws) are headed for destruction.

It drives me absolutely over the moon crazy mad when I ask a fundamentalist of any stripe "According to the Bible, am I saved?" and they reply "I don't judge, that's up to God", but then get in the pulpit on Sunday morning and espouse teachings and beliefs that say I'm damned to hell (a few have gone so far as to outright say I, personally, am damned to hell - backslid etc - just never in public, never to my face...you waffling cowardly hypocrites). If being Christian means being Christ-like, and you believe that your laws/rules/standards are right, you believe it enough to get up and preach/teach/demand obedience to them, then grow the balls necessary to do what the Christ did and be honest. I don't read anywhere that He evaded a question about salvation. In fact, He whipped people, in public, and kicked them out of the Temple. He told people outright they were forgiven. Someone asks? Tell them what you really think. Stop trying to pretend you don't judge. Liars. Either you believe someone is saved or you don't. Identify yourselves so the rest of the planet can see straightaway that you're crazy.

Of course, that would really endear you to humanity wouldn't it? Would really increase your revenue stream. I can outright state that if you confess your sins, ask forgiveness, and accept God's gift of salvation, you are saved. According to the Bible. Everything else is works. Good works, sometimes important works, but still works. Nothing sickens me more than hearing a fundamentalist jackass say "God never gives more than we can bear" or a similar platitude, always in a backhanded slap that means stop whining and do what I say. My standard response is "Punching you in the face is a sin, but it's not the unforgivable one, and God will help you bear the scar".

Fundamentalists: stop spiritually assaulting the rest of the world with your nonsense. Better yet, convert. Convert to any sect/religion except the one you are in now. You'll be happier, feel less isolated, and have a better chance at making it to heaven. You're nothing more than pharisees: straining out gnats and swallowing camels whole. Jesus died so that you don't have to live under such stress and worry.

Everyone else: if you suspect a fundamentalist, ask them this: "Do you believe I, as a confessed Christian, am saved?" If they reply with anything other than an instantaneous, unqualified YES, run away, or kick them off your property...they are not preaching good news. If they do answer YES, immediately and without hesitation, shake their hand, shout hallelujah, and celebrate the rest of the day because you just met another of God's children.